Wednesday afternoon, it hailed. Day turned to night, and ice zipped through the air, dinging our cars and cracking the windshield on the family wagon. Sally and Eli and Slade and I watched the storm from under a covered porch at Opal Divine’s, a pub and restaurant where we’d gathered with coworkers for food and drinks.

Eli paid some attention to the white balls flying from the black sky, but I suspect he was more interested in Kyle.

To Eli, Kyle—a that’s-what-she-said savant/master trombonist/uber Star Wars geek/Metallica nut/XML addict/friend—is cooler than anybody in the world. Cooler, even, than the Fonz. And while I’ve come to appreciate and respect Kyle over the years, he’s no Arthur Fonzarelli.

For reference, here’s Kyle:


Kyle is from Midland, Texas, proud home of George W. Bush and Clayton, “relax and enjoy it,” Williams. I hear it’s a lovely place. For reference, here’s Midland:


In Eli’s four-year-old head, Kyle rules because (a) he does magic tricks, (b) he gave us a Metallica CD, and (c) he has multiple gaming systems and regularly loans us Wii games.

Yesterday, in fact, Kyle loaned me Boom Blox. I made the mistake of showing Eli the game in the car as we left preschool, and all the way home, Eli talked about Kyle:

Eli: Dad, how many video games does Kyle have?
Me: Too many.
Eli: Like a hundred?
Me: Probably.
Eli. Whoa. That’s crazy.

Eli: Dad, why does Kyle live in a small house?
Me: It’s called an apartment. Kyle doesn’t need a lot of space.
Eli: Why?
Me: Because he doesn’t have a family. But there are two pools where he lives.
Eli: Whoa. That’s cool. Can we go there someday?

Eli: Dad, how does Kyle pull his thumb off?
Me: It’s magic.
Eli: I don’t think he should be pulling it off. That’s a bad idea.
Me: Why’s that?
Eli: Because it hurts.

And on and on. Finally, I grew tired of Kyle chat, so I asked Eli if he’d like to listen to music. Eli said sure: “Dad, can we listen to Metallica? Kyle loves Metallica, right?”

And I decided right then, right there, that I would need a drink that night.

This morning, at work, I told Kyle of Eli’s fascination, and I mentioned how, for whatever reason, little boys like Kyle. His response: “Maybe I should become a Catholic priest.”

Less than five minutes later, the sky went dark, and thunder rattled the windows, and I wondered if Kyle’s day of reckoning had arrived.


5 Responses to “Kyle”

  1. 1 Manda March 28, 2009 at 3:59 pm

    Oh boy. We are going to have to do something quickly about Eli’s infatuation. 🙂

  2. 2 feeddunk March 28, 2009 at 8:15 pm

    I want to be a “Kyle”.

  3. 3 Kyle May 20, 2009 at 1:01 pm

    I feel misrepresentated.

  4. 4 lesleyfamily May 20, 2009 at 3:55 pm

    That’s true. That picture makes you look rather worldly.

  1. 1 The b is back « Bad Chemicals Trackback on July 9, 2009 at 6:27 am

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